"Alone in my head, I did my best not to feel anything": A Qualitative Study of the Lived Experience of Male Survivors of Institutional CSA.

The over-representation of males as survivors of institutional child sexual abuse is increasingly accepted in the research literature. Despite this, there is little in the research that considers the lived experience of male survivors. This study examines the experience of male survivors through their narratives that emerged from the Australian Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse (2013-2017). A qualitative content analysis approach was used to examine data. Inductive coding of de-identified survivor narratives from the Royal Commission's private sessions allowed categorization. The analysis included four institutional types - armed forces, religious, sport and recreation, and youth detention - where abuse occurred in the 1970s and 1980s, making 412 narratives. Survivor narrative categories emerged in three areas: (1) The Abuse, Emotion, and Impact; (2) Reporting/Not reporting the abuse, and (3) The Institutions. This article focuses on the analysis of the first category. Six dominant emotions emerged from the narratives: anger, confusion, embarrassment, fear, guilt, and shame. Analysis identified child sexual assault-related issues including the abuse of other children, locations where the abuse took place, multiple abuse incidents, and co-occurring physical abuse. Major impacts identified include alcohol and other drugs, mental health, problems at school/work, and relationship difficulties. A variety of emotions and impacts for survivors, including parallel experiences across institutional types, emerged from the analysis of the data. This study adds to the research literature elevating survivor voices. Strengths and limitations of this study are discussed along with practice, policy, and research implications.